I should have heeded the cards a year ago when they showed me the unpleasant outcome of my decision to stay in service — that it would turn out to be anti-climactic: The Tower. It is futile to cling to past accomplishments, and I’ve always wanted them then to remain unseen. But no matter how MUCH I’ve invested in the past five years, surviving politics and maintaining balance while nurturing relationships to see our collective effort to fruition, they will never suffice for my inefficiency at present. I never knew that staying would exhaust me this soon (even if a friend who is a co-worker did tell me that it’s about time I got exhausted). Because I did not, do not want to get tired of it. I have always been used to denying my bodily complaints, like postponing hunger, for instance, or overlooking sickness and sleep… what more exhaustion?
To think I used to thrive in this, used to consider it the world and I used to move in it gracefully, used to take joy and derive strength from encouraging all of them to grow and not to lose heart in art. And so many of them looked up to me for answers. I used to have all the energy for management, and all the energy to listen to what they had to say about their lives.
Now I have lost heart. And I’m just waiting for it all to end. For the meantime, I will just finish what I have to finish, it won’t be a very long wait.
The Tower:
“As a warning light-house The Tower announces cliffs and shoals. Its essence is change without participation. Long term planning and cautious preparation prove useless.
Regard The Tower as a messenger of blind fortune. Stay calm you have done what you can. Do not cling to the past. Simply watch the fall of debris, accept that there really are things out of your control.”
I did not listen.