I touch myself in his room when he is away, imagining us, recreating the scene of our lovemaking, modifying it, if only to be able to say I have come here, in this space, with him. This is how I’ve been in love: Feigning pleasure when all I feel is dissatisfaction; feeling my self, my presence, when I know I am secondary; so that I can say yes, I have a meaningful relationship. And so I often wonder how long I could keep up with this performance. I was born a performer this way, and I never forget to perform my sadness with style—it is only when I find myself losing it that I question myself and my place here with him. Sometimes I see myself in another place, a place of tenderness, kindness. Otherwise, I lose myself to his treatment and oftentimes, believe it to be tender. I am very good at believing in things. I enjoy being his, if only for a good performance’s sake. Yes, enjoy. Because joy, from the Greek word juoy, means to come. And I never come with him when we make love. I only know to come to him.
Posts Tagged ‘orgasm’
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The erotic vandal writes—-
March 8, 2006 by A.
Category Experimentations | Tags: aloneness,emotions,erotic,feelings,lover,orgasm | No Comments